


An Open Letter to You

by AShadowsKiss



Category: Glee
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 21:49:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7123765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AShadowsKiss/pseuds/AShadowsKiss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt tries to apologize to Finn through a letter for everything that happened between them but maybe he's saying more then he should.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Open Letter to You

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic about six years ago and only just now decided to upload it here. Hope y'all like it despite it being old af :)

~~Dearest Dear Greetings~~ Finn.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, or why for that matter. All I know is that I have to apologize although I'm not sure what for. You never did. Then again, it would mean that I'm the bigger man here, wouldn't it? If I said that I was sorry while you never did. Would you imagine that, the small, awkward, walking, talking freak show fag a bigger man then you. My dad's been pushing me to say that I'm sorry though and surprisingly, so has Mercedes. I just can't say no to either of them, so, here I am! I'm doing it in writing though, because I don't think you deserve me saying to your face, I don't think you deserve my apology at all. Also, I don't know if I can, if I'm strong enough to say what I need you to know.

Let's make a list shall we, of why exactly I think you are not worthy.

First of all; the dumpster dives. You stood there and watched it happen and helped them time and time again. It hurt, not so much physically as emotionally. Do you even know what that means? I doubt it. Anyway, you let them treat me like trash, you made me feel like trash and I'm not sure I can forgive you for that.  
Second of all; the slushy facials. You felt them, didn't you? They're cold, sticky, wet and drip all the way down to your underwear. I had to bring several changes of clothes to school with me because of that stuff you know. You used to throw them at me before you joined glee and realized how annoying they were, but I doubt you remember.  
Third of all; those awful pee balloons. They ruined my clothes and were just plain unsanitary. He who came up with that idea should burn at the stake, it was disgusting. I still don't understand how you could do something like that. What had I ever done to you that was so horrible, so disgusting I deserved to be treated that way?  
Fourth of all; that lawn furniture was my mothers. Don't you dare say anything about not being there, you knew what they were going to do and you did nothing to stop them or warn me. Thank god those morons nailed it to the roof during winter break while my dad was working so he didn't notice. I did though and I had to take it all down on my own.   
Fifth of all; do you have any idea how much you hurt my dad? Don't think I don't know who gave my number to the people who kept calling me to call me a fag, Finn. I recognized Azimio's voice several times and none of those Neanderthals know how to use a phonebook. Which leads me to believe someone gave them my number. My father picked up several of those phone calls and I don't think you realize, but your mom has too. They don't care who picks up the phone, Finn, as long as they can tell someone close to me just how unworthy of life I really am.

I could actually go on for a while like this, but I'm not feeling like it, not at all. I don't know why I'm admitting this but do you have any idea just how much you hurt me? You and your friends have been breathing down my neck and making my life a living hell like big murderous dogs since I was eight, Finn. That's a long time to hate someone for no good reason you know. Back then I truly didn't know why you guys disliked me so much but as I got older I realized something. I'm different; I always have been and always will be. Guess what Finn; I'm gay and I'm proud of it and I refuse to change.   
Anyway, I am to apologize to you and as you may have noticed, I'm not sure why. You never apologized to me for anything you did. For anything you let happen, for anything you ignored in favor of status and popularity. For anything you said when you thought I couldn't hear you or when you wanted to look cool in front of your friends.  
Do you remember preschool? I do. You were my hero then, for one whole year I was your best friend. You invited me over to your house and played with me and I still have a drawing you made somewhere. It's of the two of us. According to you we were to get married and I would be your bride and you'd love me forever and ever and ever, you swore you know. You drew me wearing a dress, holding flowers and even a ring on my finger.  
When you joined New Directions last year I thought everything would be alright, if you, the quarter back of the football team, the most popular boy in school, could proof we weren't all that bad maybe the rest of us could get a chance too. Maybe people would see us as persons for once and stop ignoring us. Maybe we'd catch a break for once. So I accepted you, right from the start; I welcomed you with open arms into something I saw as my safe haven. Glee club was my home away from home, the only place people would no doubt accept me for who I was no matter what that meant. Why did you have to ruin that, Finn? Why did you have to lure Puck and Mike and Matt and Santana and Brittany and Quinn into joining glee as well? Of course, we needed them for Regional's and they're actually not that bad, not anymore. But it's not a group of misfits anymore, is it? Its half popular clique and half loser clique and we mingle for Schuester's sake; he tries so hard after all.  
Even after all this time I still can't find the place where everything went so wrong. Was it before or after our parents started dating? Was it because of what happened in my room? Was it maybe when I gave Rachel a make over and turned her into Sandy from Grease? I was so confused back then. Because I thought you cared and wanted and understood but at the same time it was so obvious you didn't. You never said no, though. You never told me you really weren't interested in me that way. Maybe there were signals but, I was in love and I didn't notice. I wonder, would you have yelled at a girl the way you yelled at me if she had acted the same why I had? I'm not entirely sure I want to know the answer because I fear it'll just hurt me ever more. Let's not pour salt in open wounds, okay?

~~I. I thou. You were neve. I can't.~~ I'm crying, Finn, as you may have understood from all the teardrops on the paper. You called me a fag while I thought you were my friend and I know I was wrong with pushing you into something you didn't want but damnit, I just wanted. I wanted someone to hold my hand, to hug, to kiss, to love and I'll be honest and say you were the nicest boy in school. You held my bag and looked vaguely sorry for whatever stunt your friends pulled this time and you were safe. I thought if you were to find out about my crush you'd laugh a little uncomfortable, make a slightly insulting remark boiling down to the "I'm not gay" statement and let it go. Instead you tore my heart to shreds and shattered the remains because ever Puck would have handled it better then you did.   
I can't believe you actually insinuated I'd molest you in your sleep, that you thought I'd hurt you, that you thought I'd try and force you to, to what exactly? Be gay with me? You almost accused me of rape and I can't just forget that Finn. I'd accepted you were never going to be mine a long time ago, around the time babygate began and Quinn started walking around in those horrible hippy shirts to hide her baby bump. I truly redecorated my room that way because I thought you'd like it, not because I was trying to seduce you. But you don't just get over a crush because you want to and trust me when I say I wanted to. I wanted to be your friend so much, Finn, because that was the only way I could be close to you.   
But I heard you. When you told Sam singing with me would be social suicide. I heard you tell him that, I was, I was going to apologize to him and tell him I couldn’t sing with him because I'm not an idiot and I knew what would happen to him if he'd sing with me. But then I just got so angry when you said that and then upset. Because I thought we'd moved past it, moved past the awkwardness and the fact that I'm a weird gay kid. You confirmed then what I'd feared for months; you don't care about me at all.  
Let's be honest here; Sam's the new kid. Even if he had sung with me no one out side of glee really would have known since we rarely perform for the school and as the new quarter back he'd built up a nice reputation for himself soon enough anyway. You cared more about the new kid's reputation then you cared about me. You warned him to stay away from me and he actually stuck up for me. If it hadn't been for Quinn snatching him up and demanding his full intention, if it hadn't been for you chasing him away and if it hadn't been for my father warning me away from him, I'd maybe have had a real guy friend now. Why must you keep taking things from me, Finn?  
You told your mother about the fact I had a crush on you and that that's why you had a major freak out and exploded and called me a fag. Your mom told my dad and surprise, surprise, he took your side. Any idea how it feels to be told you should wait 'till college to flirt with people you like by your own father? It hurts. I've never been kissed by a boy, Finn. I've never had the simple pleasure of knowing that someone cared enough about me to be seen with me in public out of his own free will. Apparently I have to wait another two, maybe three, years before I have a decent shot at a first kiss. How many girlfriends have you had? How many dates have you been on? How many times have you kissed someone? Why is it such a bad thing I want that too?

I'll boil it down for you, make a conclusion about why I feel I shouldn't apologize so maybe you'll understand it better and I won't have to explain this letter once you've read it. I'd also really appreciate it if you didn't take this letter to Rachel or something so she can explain it to you. I want you to keep it private or maybe, maybe I just shouldn't give this to you at all. It'd probably be for the best if I didn't, nonetheless I will finish what I started if only to just get it of my chest and face you tomorrow with a straight face and an apology.  
You, Finn Hudson, have picked on me since I was eight years old. You pushed me, hit me, kicked me, ruined my clothes, covered me in junk, threw me into dumpsters and called me names. You have ignored my existence and pretended you didn't know me. You let other people hurt me. You refused my friendship until I was the only person you could count on but the moment I needed you, you were out. You treated me, my sexuality to be precise, like a disease. You chased away potential friends. You stole my father from me. You hurt me time and time again without a care in the world. 

I will be the bigger man though, I know I was wrong. I know I never should have pushed you so hard into something you didn't want, a romantic relationship or plain friendship. I should have accepted the signals you send me and let it go. I should have backed of and let you go. I didn't and I'm sorry because I'm afraid it might have cost me a friendship I would have cared for a lot. I know it's too late to fix things now, I can't go back in time and change the way I acted around you. I hope that one day you'll find it in your heart to forgive me and move on. I hope that some day we can be brothers.

Wishing you the best,  
Kurt.


End file.
